When things go wrong…

Sunburned Santa biker riding motorcycle on summer vacations

It’s Christmas again! Even though it doesn’t look like it because everything you wished for hasn’t arrived. Parcel services the world round are in a panic as they fail to calm their customers.

Here’s a life lesson: when things go wrong, they don’t go wrong for everyone.

If missing gifts feels like it’s the end of the world, then the truth is you’ve got some fucked up priorities…

Forgive me. How rude of me not to introduce myself. I’m Ray NB Claus – the head of operations and lead dispatcher at the North Pole. At least this year. That’s why you are screwed.

So, how was 2018?
Great?
Were you naughty or nice?

I don’t actually give a shit how your year was… unless you’ll pay me to listen. Yeah, I know, I know. I just ruined Christmas for you spoiled brats, but it feels fantastic.

My 2018? Simply hell. Days, weeks, months crammed with manufacturing and production, logistics meetings, training, meteorology reports, performance tests, writing and Elves. Those damned things are like bees, biologically programmed to work, work, work. It’s been months of nothing but stress.

Gimme a break, Elves!

Have you ever seen a naked Elf? I did. You can NOT unseen it. Ever.

Oh, all that hard work just so you can have a wonderful time opening presents on Christmas morning. And I even don’t know you, folks.

Ray’s kindness doesn’t have borders!

“Where is our jolly old Santa? What have you done with him?” you wonder. Well, the things I did with him (notice: all night long) includes:

  1. a good and hard pounding that curls your toes and sets your skin on fire,
  2. slow and gentle screwing that builds to an achingly beautiful crescendo and makes you weep with joy.

At the end, I’d like to mention that I’m writing this post directly from the hot jacuzzi tub (with the eucalyptus oil). I think it was a present for Mr. and Mrs. Smith!

Say bye-bye to the new jacuzzi, Smiths!

But in the case if you are still interested – a second-hand tub will be available once/as soon as I’m done. Please, save your tears of joy! Ray always does the best he can to make people around the world happy!

Ray deserves an award – the King of Goodness 2018!

When your dream dies, and you are not sure what to do next – re-define it. The dream is your idea of the future. Think BIG! And nope, it doesn’t mean Ray will send you a bigger jacuzzi, Smiths!

Christmas mood is obligatory. Gifts are optional.

P.S. Do you really need all those Christmas presents? Give a hug to the neighbor next door. Or better – to his wife.

angry neighbour with hatchet caught you with his wife – life is good…


Next post – “People are not peas”

 

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31 Responses

  1. Scarpoe says:

    In the photo, a highly attractive babe and very sharp looking hatchet. How can you not like a good Christmas romp?

    • Victoria Ray NB says:

      Lol 😂 exactly 🙂 & your present 🎁 on the way 😅⛄️🧟‍♂️🍫

  2. Ahhh fucking great. I’ve been so good, what will u bring me? 😇🎅

  3. Haha! You are just awesome Ray NB Claus. Best Christmas gift for your readers! 💞

  4. masercot says:

    I don’t panic about gifts not arri–what? We’re out of booze? OH GOD NO!!!!

  5. LMAO ! Yes 2018 was an amazing crash landing 🙂 Hope you have a wonderful holiday season and many dreams for the new year 🙂

  6. Tom Darby says:

    That’s great. Did you uses the jet-nozzles for an even better hot-tub experience, Ray? LOL

  7. kinkyacres says:

    Thanx for the words St. Nicky!!!

  8. Was a hoot Ray Claus NB. I’m sure Santa enjoyed the pounding and the slow amd gentle. Excuse me but did you say “Ray always does the best he can to make people around the world happy!” ? My my my. Appears Santa is a metrosexual after all. Mrs Claus must be delighted.

    • Victoria Ray NB says:

      Always mix slow/gentle with hard pounding…in the writing too :))
      Metero? I have to google it lol

  9. Ray NB Claus bathing in Mr and Smiths Jacuzzi Hot tub, now there’s a thought!!! Oh and wishing you a Happy Christmas.

  10. librepaley8 says:

    New year’s resolution to be naughtier in 2019.

  11. anne leueen says:

    So are there no workhouses? Just kidding…. I’m waiting for my lump of coal to arrive from Amazon. Ordered it myself because I’ve been naughty and I didn’t want to give anyone else the satisfaction of giving me that lump of petrified carbonation. None of this is true Ray. Had a good chuckle reading your post and as your posts often do it put me into a wicked mood. Thanks! Enjoyed it!

  12. Entertaining as ever. Great comments bit too

  13. ortensia says:

    I loved this post…..and just for the record I have been naughtily good😉so I expect great goodies under the tree😀

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