The Story of Harmless Bullet

Day 21
The Forest Lovers

 /absurdist comedy/

 I woke up on the grass in the woods, covered by a greasy napkin, a hundred bright yellow beetles with black markings, and the lifeless body of the naked Sherriff. I lay on my back and tried to breathe steadily. “What a mess! This is the result of your sexual ego, Bullet,” I said aloud, looking at the moonlight. 

Mr. Harmless

It is not that I object to this kind of game, mind you, I like the fresh leaves, loose rocks, warm soil, deserted caves, and the sound of the water – it all turns me on. I can make love outside for hours if there’s decent bug spray or a hot woman. But the idea of killing during sexual intercourse, especially the local Sherriff on duty, made me fear for my sanity, freedom, and life. Did I do it?
I crawled out from under the Sherriff’s body that had become cold and heavy. Ironically, the beetles disapproved of my escape – they ejected some intensely acrid fluid on my feet, which immediately started to burn. I could feel the strength draining out of me and waves of persistent faint nausea flowing through me. Despite the pain, I stood up and looked around.

the Royal Cemetery, Gunung Kinabalu

I recalled how we stopped near a beautiful waterfall surrounded by overgrown brambles.
“Here it is – our Royal Cemetery! There’s no better spot in the world where you can let go of your worries, duties, and curious eyes,” the Sherriff explained.
I understood she was familiar with the area when she invited me inside of the hidden grotto down the path. There, she took off her purple kimono and began to sponge her breasts with the muddy, cold water. Anxious, I pulled down my trunks, presenting to her sight the latest cut from Mrs. WickedBreaker. The Sherriff’s excitement and the nod of her head made me tremble. 

the Sherriff

“Stop shaking!” she ordered.
“Sorry, my body vibrates by itself,” I tried to control my twitching knees.
As I stood there, holding my penis in the ready position, I felt as if I had been struck in the back with a club. Then, the same firm hand splintered that club above my head. I made a surprised noise and fell to the ground.

“A greasy napkin?” I picked it up and sniffed it. It should be some kind of clue, I knew that, but I had a splitting headache and, plus, I had to deal with the disposal of the Sherriff’s body. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get back to the Screw Quarter and ask them for help because Hamilton’s sisters would gladly lynch me. And just when I had given up all hope (as it always happens in the novels and fairytales), I caught a strange white glimmer amongst the trees on the opposite side of the Royal Cemetery. At first, I thought it was a zombie, who’d like to eat the brains I don’t have; then I thought it was a mysterious horny ghost who’d dreamed of shaking my stupid body until I’d become invisible too.

 The humid blackness crept slowly over me. I stood breathless, waiting. After a couple of minutes, I heard a cranky voice behind my back. I wasn’t able to decipher the message as it had been pronounced in the local language. I was ready to meet my opponent, but when I turned and saw the bulky, tall sack-body, covered in brown filth with a horn in his (or her) hands, weighing 180 pounds, I screamed and fled, leaving the dead body of the Sherriff behind me.

“Are you alright?” The worried voice above my face brought me back to my senses.
“I don’t know. I think I saw a long-haired snowman near the Royal Cemetery.”
“Probably Ms. Sweet Hellfire? She is our dentist. Wild-life and wicked insects are her hobbies. She will be very helpful to you, Doctor Harmless, if I’m not wrong, hehe, you are working in the same field…” The man smiled, stretching out his hand to me. “My name is Ale de Sandwich. I am the first assistant of our Body, the Head of the Warrior Farm, our Apollon of Fierce Power, or simply, Mister Alphonso Beard. It’s such a proud moment for us all to welcome you in our town.” He paused. “Your castle, your seven housekeepers, and full English breakfast are ready and waiting. How was your trip? I’ve heard that the Sherriff had planned to escort you to our gates.” 

Mr. Ale de Sandwich

I stretched my legs with the help of the caring Ale de Sandwich and replied: “We had a pleasant trip, but then the sudden rain splashed the road, and we hid in the cave… I fell asleep. It seems the Sherriff left the grotto in the middle of the night, and I have not seen her since.”
“Hm, she may have met Ms. Hellfire and told her to take care of you. That’s my explanation!” The man laughed carelessly.
“I hope she didn’t,” I whispered.
“You don’t happen to remember which of the grottos it was, do you? We have so many located on the different ages of our Farm.”
“No, I don’t. How many are there?” I was annoyed by his presence but couldn’t decline his honeyed hospitality.
“Hundreds, I believe. Only Ms. Hellfire knows. Ah, there she is…”
I glanced at my left. The dark spot, something with rough, grey, oily hair, moved towards me.
“Morning, Ale! Let me take care of our precious guest!” Ms. Hellfire said in English.

Ms. Sweet Hellfire

When the fully satisfied assistant left us, she stopped, took my panicked face in her hands, and declared: “If you don’t marry me, I’m going to tell Alphonso Beard that you had killed his ex-wife in the woods.”
“But I didn’t do it.”
“Listen, it’s either marriage or the death. What’s it going to be, Doctor Harmless?” The monstrous yeti-woman grinned.
It took only 0,0000000003 seconds. I gazed one more time at her solid arms and decided, ‘what the hell, I’ll take my chances.’

I shouted: “Death!”

Mr. Harmless

Next post – Be late for something… 


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