Chunky Burger, 18+ (humorous absurd horror story)

Read part #1 – here

PART 2

 

30 October. 7pm

The two friends were on the way to visit Mr. WideOpenMind, to carry out the assassination.

They made their way up to his front porch, reached for the door handle in the hope of picking the lock, but were caught off guard when the door opened. Mr. CruelMemories and Mr. DareToKill were left blinking owlishly up at the 6 foot 6 inches tall man.  Mr. WideOpenMind stood in the doorway, waiting, with his arms crossed over his chest.

“Hello, owners of Chunky Burger! I’ve been expecting you…”

With jaw opening and closing like a fish that had just been taken out of a river, Mr. DareToKill cleared his throat and said, trying to regain some of his dignity: “How did you know we’d be here?”

“I know my enemies well. TOO well. I knew they’d plan something like this… especially after I heard about Enemy Burger Deal on the radio.” the tall man scoffed.
Mr. CruelMemories looked at the guy with fear and respect, unsure of how things would go now. 

“I have a proposition for the two of you,” Mr. WideOpenMind spoke up, “an Enemy Burger with double heads: A) my boss Mr. FlashOfSexBrilliance and B) my wife Mrs. PromiseOfLove. You see, I know about their affair. Your Enemy Burger Project would be the perfect way to get back at them for betraying my trust…”

Before the two had a chance to be dubious about the offer, Mr. WideOpenMind continued to speak, “I have full access to my boss’ bank account. I can pay you as much as you like.” He paused. “35 million?

How could they turn down an offer like that?

“If you agree, I’ll throw in an extra million if you’ll add the head of Mr. AgainstTheRules.” The man smiled.

That was a crazy amount of money! Much more than the restaurant would make in 100 years’ worth of income. Mr. DareToKill shook hands with Mr. WideOpenMind to confirm the deal. On the way out, Mr. CruelMemories asked: “Would you like a side of fries with the heads?”

x x x

30 October, 10pm.

They decided to attack Mr. SexFlashOfBrilliance first… He was an overly confident man and therefore, never took the proper precautions. It was quite easy for the two amateurs to sneak into the wealthy man’s office behind his back while he took a sip of bourbon at his desk.

One goal accomplished!

The head of Mr. SexFlashOfBrilliance tucked safely in a Chunky Burger take away box. Tired men looked at each other, while patting the package.
Unfortunately, Mrs. PromiseOfLove was nowhere to be found: not in her home, not at the bar, church or local brothel. Mr. CruelMemories couldn’t help but wonder if this was a set up OR they weren’t actually meant to kill the wife of Mr. WideOpenMind

x x x

Mr. CruelMemories wasn’t allowed to wonder for too long.

The day after Halloween, he was found floating in the local lake SwollenButt, bobbing along with the waves. The one striking thing about his body was the fact that it was missing the head…
The police suspected that Mr. DareToKill had masterminded the whole event: killed his supposed best friend, cut off his head, and dumped the lifeless body into the lake.

They couldn’t prove it though.

 Only Mr. DareToKill and his REAL accomplice knew who had killed his co-owner and best friend. His accomplice was none other than… ta – ta – ta – ta Mrs. PromiseOfLoveWith her humble assistance, Mr. DareToKill was able to make his dreams come true.

x x x 

Mr. WideOpenMind had been shocked to find out that his wife and Mr. DareToKill were lovers, plus working together as a couple – butcher knives in both hands. All Mr. WideOpenMind could do is to stumble back into the house, eyes wide with horror.

Mrs. PromiseOfLove knocked her stupid hubby to the floor. She removed his glasses, belt, pants, socks and stood up, looking at the erected spark of naked suspicion.

“May I recall to your Excellent Dripping Dragon that we are here with a very important mission,” Mr. DareToKill said, as he tried to stop his lover from jumping on her soon to be dead hubby. The face of a woman turned into the flame of desire. One swing of butcher knives – and the Chunky Burger logo was forever carved into the penis of poor Mr. WideOpenMind.

“To kill or to fuck? That is the question…” Murmured Mrs. PromiseOfLove, catching her breath.
“Finish him!” whispered Mr. DareTo Kill. “Your little show got me all turned on, babe. I can’t wait to screw you!”
“Your wish is my command,” she answered.

The rest is history…

x x x

2d November 2019.

“What a bright and sunny day! I can’t wait for our honeymoon trip to the lost city of Adar on the Other Side of The Earth!” said Mrs. PromiseOfLove to her husband, Mr. DareToKill. She was sitting in the car, with a black take away bag on her knees – the smell of the deliciously juicy burger wafting into her nose. The car turned to the left, to a chic looking house.

Mrs. PromiseOfLove pressed her manicured finger to the well-known doorbell and stepped back behind the pillar. Mr. AgainstTheRules opened the door, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. His eyes landed on the large bag in Mr. DareToKill’s hand. The bag was far TOO big to be just a burger. Mr. AgainstTheRules said with annoyance: “Why did it take so long?”

and then he noticed the blondie with 2 knives. 

A twisted grin crossed the lips of Mrs. PromiseOfLove.
“Hey hun! We have a special Chunky delivery for you today, ” she chirped.

“What’s going on, Mr. DareToKill? Hey… you, hey!” were the last words of a drug dealer of the small city PerfectlySafeStopHis body was found later that night – in a starfish position, without the head, on the balcony. I can’t imagine anything more gruesome, my dear readers…

x x x

The Chunky Burger restaurant became very successful over the years, mostly because of the announcement of the Halloween Enemy Burger. That burger never seemed to have a lack of customers… 😉🎃

With the enemy-heads in such a high demand, Mrs. PromiseOfLove and Mr. DareToKill agreed to never let their Halloween traditions die out.

What?
You are wondering what happened with Mrs. WetHope?
Ah, she is still cleaning floors at the Chunky Burger restaurant,
every evening after 7pm. She love spicy carrots...

So, who’d like to order?
It’s that perfect time of the year, again…

 

PS. If you have subscribed to my newsletter… you can order Enemy Burger for free. Ha ha 😂 Just kidding. Well, if you are on my mailing list – then you’ll get a short humorous story Neighbours” – 30/10

See you on Sunday💃💃☕️📚


Next post: 5 Secret Ingredients for Creating a Perfect Villain – 7/11

 

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22 Responses

  1. Perfect ending to a humorous story, VR.

  2. Sorryless says:

    The moral of the story (As if there were any morals to the beheadings happening between the shagging) is that life is short. So grab the money, sip carefully on the bourbon and never forget to make time for horizontal propositions.

    Brava to your wicked pen!

    • Victoria Ray NB says:

      Made me laugh in the middle of the street :)) thx ✌️
      Well I’ll save the moral of this story (to attach it as the lesson in my book, after “Chunky B”, & l’ll add ur name/blogs name as well).
      I couldn’t say it better 😂😂👻👻… very philosophical 😬😬

  3. The chunky burger became chunkier! Gotta love spicy carrots to survive seems to be the moral of this highly immoral tale! 😂😂

  4. librepaley says:

    I love the instant clarity of the naming – like a Jacobean drama in which the characters take on allegorical roles, revealing their true natures. Together with a good dose of irony, you know instantly that you’re never going to want to meet Mr. SexFlashOfBrilliance… Except oops, think I already did at least a few times!

    • Victoria Ray NB says:

      Haha 😂 yes 🙂 you did…

      The choice of names is usually very simple (as you noticed). It’s true, I want the reader ‘to see’ = understand who is the hero just by reading his name 🌚🌚
      And I love allegory 🕺

      Thank you 🙂 ✌️

  5. kinkyacres says:

    Oh those damn carrots again! Happy Halloween!

  6. That’s a great story, Victoria 🙂

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