“All the motives for murder are covered by four L’s:
Love, Lust, Lucre and Loathing.”
All 4 “L’s” on the plate, served for your eyes, to read.
If you wanna know who’s really living next door to you – read the novel “What you don’t know”, because let me tell you – YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT! Not about your neighbours, not about your girlfriends, and not about yourself.
The heroes are sweet and chilly & the plot is messy and spicy.
Joann’s ordinary heroes, with a little bit of “extra” on the side:
1. The happy-married-loved-by-all serial killer Jacky Seever, who is also a clown (he believes a clown could get away with murder), the businessman, the trusted citizen of Denver, the painter…and simply the sweetest neighbour.
2. His wife, Gloria: too caring, too stupid, too scared, too loving, too much of ‘everything’. You’ll find a girl like that only at the “Good-Wife” Store.
Of course ‘Jacky+Gloria family’ has no kids, because if they had – it would be a totally different story. They doesn’t have dogs, cats or hamsters.
“It might’ve been different…the life with a hamsters,” – tells Jacky to his victim (1 from those 31, who’ve been found under the floor of Jacky’s house, where the “don’t-know-any-shit-wife-AND-neigbours-enjoyed-their-shitty-BBQ-sundays”).
The hamster have been killed by Joann, because her editor SAID so.
That’s why the lonely Jacky is looking for an entertainment…
3 & 4. Two detectives. Because one detective isn’t fun anymore. Meet them: Paul (almost the Saint lol) and Loren (a tough and uncompromising, fallen from the skies quite a while ago). They have different methods, but they are friends with a huge F, at least in the beginning of the story.
Ok, to be honest, they are The Real Deal-Dudes, who knows some shit, thats why they are bringing down one of the most ruthless killers of the decade (our Jacky-clown). What can I add to that?
Let me bring the beers!..
5. Sammie. The reporter. Aka the liar, very hot chick with a big sad eyes, the “dick-blowing mouth of your dreams”. Her life-rules are:
1. If you are going to fuck someone, at least make sure they’re important.
2. “Keep on keeping on.”
I love this hero, she keeps fucking everybody who’s available at the moment and she never stops. She simply doesn’t give a shit! From Jacky to the Saint Detective!
You name it – she’ll do it!
I see you, guys, are over-excited there, staring at those pages, saying “Holy fkn shit”, not bothering to keep your voice down, because what’s the point? Right? She’s got to know how surprised you are, she’s got to know that you are the biggest dick on the other end of the book and…
ahhh, its such a shame – she isn’t real :)) otherwise you’d broil her on dat table with the legs up.
The beauty of Sammie’s story -> she’ve been fucked by many, remembered well only by 2: the serial killer and the detective. But she’s choosing her husband. Yeah, she’s one faithful bitch! And of course there’s a husband in the novel, a dumb one, who’s regularly buying the flowers and whispering each night:
“I’d kill someone if you wanted me to. Sometimes I feel like that’d be the only way to get your attention. Start murdering people so you’d have a story to chase.”
She is so fkn hot that when she’s losing her job (as the reporter) and starting to work at the cafeteria – every guy wanna ‘strangle’ her by its dick.
Things gets messy.
That’s why the new copy cat was born (or The SecondHand Killer), who is 99%-copying the style of OUR famous Jacky (don’t forget, Seever is spending his time in the prison during the book: happy, ever, after).
In general – that’s all…
The End of the Story.
Sammie got her job back, The Saint Paul got a head ache, the Wife got the empty credit cards, the Secondhand Killer got his ass kicked. Sigh.
“Madness doesn’t get off wearing gloves.
It needs to feel skin on skin, smell the blood and shit as it brings itself off.”
Benjamin R. Smith
It is a first novel of Joann Chaney, who’s is a graduate of UC Riverside’s Palm Desert MFA programme. And let me tell you, folks, she did it well. She’ve got the style. I really loved her “juicy” descriptions of the characters. The language is simple and ‘chewy’, the story is cool. We all ‘hate-love’ stories about the serial killers, right?
I wouldn’t say the novel is “breathtaking” as a Daily Mail suggested lol but it is quite entertaining
…because again -> you don’t know shit about a shit. So pick up that shit you know nothing about and try to survive among the rest of it!
P. S. I can hear your neighbours, silently sharpening their knives…
My rate is 4 from 5.
Some excerpts from the book:
1. This man’s name is Ralph Loren, a name that sounds like a bad joke but isn’t, because nobody teases Detective Loren, nobody, even if they’re pretty and young with tits out to THERE. Loren doesn’t have a sense of humour – it’s not that he has a weird one, or a mean one; he just doesn’t have one at all. He was born missing that part of his insides, and life is a hard row to hoe without a few laughs along the way, but you don’t miss what you never had. At least that’s how the saying goes.
2. “You still sucking dick to make your deadlines, Sammie?” Loren says. “I can’t believe how fast you media assholes get the word out. It’s like bleeding in the ocean – you just have to wait, the sharks’ll show up sooner than you’d think.”
3. Because that’s what marriage does. It locks two people together, forever and ever, until they are dead, and even after.
4. If you want to judge a person – watch how they shop. That will tell you everything you need to know.
5. He could give her what she wants – and he could ask for sex. For a blowjob. Or a blumpkin, that’s what it was called. He could tie her up and twist her nipples like radio dials, and she’d do it, he can tell by the look on her face…
Next post: Psycho – logical tale “Power”