A short play, inspired by Buffy Devane on WordPress
Genre: surrealistic-satirical-horrific-silly-comedy (I hope).
Prototype: Buffy Devane
Bob Divine – writer, 50% nervous, 30% humble, 40% sarcastic, 70% depressed, middle-age
The Voice of Bob (in his head) – also author’s voice.
Umbrella – black, tired, quite old.
Wife – tall, strong, muscular, the level of cuteness – unknown
Dave – a chump, age and occupation – unknown
The room is empty. Bob is sitting and staring at the sun, shining through the window.
Bob: I have to write this poem. I have to. I Can. Ok. Where’s my pen? Ah, here! Any ideas? Mmmmm..
“Calm and happy
Just Do It”
Umbrella: Too short.
Bob: I know. It was only the beginning…
OMG! Seems someone else in the room. Breathing techniques. In and Out. How they told me there, on WordPress? 6-8-2 or 8-6-2?
Bob: How dare you? What are you? Go out on the light and fight with me!
Umbrella: I’m here. In the corner. Calm down, Your Highness. Hahaha.
Ok. 8-8-8…Calm and happy. Calm and happy. Shit. Umbrellas cant talk. You are officially mad. Congratulations! You are talking with a thing that can’t talk! Great achievement, Mr Divine!
Umbrella: Hey, I am a human under cover. And stop your bullying or I’ll push you outta of your castle.
Suddenly the room is full of sunlight and we can see an old black umbrella in the corner.
Bob: Do I live in the castle? (silly smile)
Wow, chump. Life isn’t so bad. Okay, you’ve got a talkative umbrella. But look at the bright side: you are living in the castle! In the CASTLE!!!! You are De ROYALTY, Bobby. Yes. You ARE. Just imagine, everywhere on the streets – magazines with my photo “Bob De Divine-the Owner of The Castle”. Happiness! Yes! Calm and happy. Lets write again…
Calm and happy
In my golden castle
Smiling, under an umbrella
With the light…
Bob: Excuse me? What – ‘NASA’?
Umbrella: I dunno. I like the word. Don’t you?
Knock – knock. (the sound)
Ah, I guess I have the servants. Interesting…how many? Whaaaaat I’ll do tomorrow at the pub-you can’t even imagine.. I can almost see it..I’ll jump on the pole, and I’ll dance like there’s no tomorrow. I’ll scream to my chumps: “Bobby Divine. The One who Have The Castle. Drinks on me today! The castle-man can pay his pub-bills. Let’s drown in the Cider tonite! Hahaha”. Or something similar.
Bob: Yes, yes.. the door is open (pretending he’s writing, with a pen in his hand).
Wife: Darling, the lunch time. I’ve cooked the soup for you, from that ostrich you’ve killed yesterday while hunting in our forest.
Bob: Did I? (huge eyes)
Hihihihihi. I am mad! 100% or more. I’ve killed the ostrich. I’m a murderer. Thats why I am calm and happy. I’m going to faint now…ahhhhhh. Bob Divine is a serial killer.
Umbrella: That’s what I’ve tried to tell you..
Bob: Shut up…
Wife: Who are you talking to, Bobby-Dobby-Doo?
Bob: Mmm, doesnt matter. It’s all about writting, my dearest. So, who are you?
Wife: Haha, I am your wife.
The moment. The Best Moment. Thank you, GOD. I promise you now – I’ll pray every night of the rest of my life. I have a wife. I cant believe it!!!! Getting laid tonight! Hurra!
Wife: You should eat the soup. It is very hot, straight from the fridge. Your tea from the avocados is on the way too.
No. No -no-no. She didn’t tell me that. Crazy? Psycho? Ah, all women are crazy tho.. I don’t know why, but I don’t like her face. It looks like a no-good cat who’d beat his mother for beer money. But..I don’t need to sleep with her face tonight. Likely. Oh, you never can tell about the women. They might look like cardboard dolls and at the same time be the hottest nymph that ever backed into a mattress. Hope, she is The Nymph. My wife.
Bob: Of course! Sweet heart, remind me your name. Haha, we, the writers, you know… absolutely …
Umbrella (from the corner): …messed up.
Wife: Oh, you are so silly. My name is Chris.
Bob (flirting): Chris …is from Christine?
Wife: Chris is from Christopher!
That’s it. This is how it feels – to be at THE BOTTOM. The Death. Good Bye, The calm and The happy. Life, why…oh, why you treat me this way?
Bob sitting and silently eating the soup. Suddenly he sees his old chump, Dave, who is swimming inside of that spoon.
Bob: Dave? Is it You? Whatcha doing here, bud?
Dave: I dont know…I went out last night and I got hitched up. And now I’m here. Can I skip your guts? Shut your mouth and pour some tequila on me, FFS!!!
“In the grip of the grape,
Calm and happy,
Welcoming my friend to my gut…”
Bob: Chris..topher, hm, dearest, have you seen Dave lately?
Wife: Yes. His rests in the fridge.
No more questions. Move on. I mean – OUT. Out from the castle. Out from this room, out from this wife. Ruuuuunnnn! Only then you’ll be ‘calm and happy’.
Calm and happy.
Because I’ve lost my wife,
And my castle is a painful disappointment.
All I’ve got – a friend in my ostrich-soup.
Yeah. But I’ve just eaten him anyway..
Say hello to my guts, Dave!
Suck tequila out of my brain
Wait until I’ll follow your road,
Harakiri by an old umbrella?
Never mind. I’m ready. Any day.
Umbrella: You depresses me.
Wife: Ok, I’m leaving you. I’m going to take a bath this afternoon. Are you ‘in’?
Do NOT Shake, Bob. You are calm and happy. Show it.. No, dancing is even worse. It looks like someone is chasing you..No, stop squatting. Cool off. Breath again. In and Out. 8-8-8. Whatever.
Bob: I think, I’ll go to hunt again, my dearest. With Dave.
Wife: But he’s still in the fridge.
Bob: Then I’ll take the fridge with me.
Wife: You are so creative! My hero!
Bob: If my horses are ready, I can…
Wife: Horses? We sold them. You are always telling how you love to run.
Of course. So me. With my asthma. Against the wind. Run, Bob, run…Catch that deer. Feed your hungry self. With a new soup.
Wife: Ah, let me kiss you ‘good – bye’!
Umbrella: Kiss him, kiss him…. (singing the song):
“I’m going downtown
To old butcher Pete’s
Cause I want a piece
Of his goooood oooooold wiiiiiife…”
The sound of the kissing.
Suddenly Bob woke up. What a nightmare! He immediately went to his desk and wrote this:
Calm and Happy.
Never I’ll see my wife again.
And I don’t want to.
Calm and Happy.
Lost an umbrella under the rain.
Dancing like crazy.
Calm and Happy,
Burned to the ground my Castle
Calm and Happy,
Can I ever sleep again?
Never. The bath is waiting.
THE END :)))
Breath! You are already calm and happy!
Every present moment is the happiest moment.
Happiness is already here,
we just have to open the door of our heart to let it enter.
Knock – Knock…